You can’t go home again….

So our adventure to a more minimalist lifestyle has led us to down-sizing our home. We get possession of said house in October. For now, we are staying with generous family. Actually, we’re house and dog sitting while they’re away in Europe. 😉 I could probably write an entire entry about the joys and challenges of living in someone else’s house, especially family, but I won’t. I want to talk about coming home again.

We’ve bought a home in my husband’s old stomping grounds. Truth be told, I spent a few years in the area as a youth also. Funny thing is, if someone had told me even 2 years ago that I would be moving here and enjoying it, I would have called them a liar. I would’ve laughed in their face. I might even have gotten all defensive about it and told them to mind their own business. And this is why….

Anyone who knows me, knows that I had a fairly challenging youth. My family life was good, but in terms of school and social life, it was hell. I swore up and down, and left and right, backward and forward, diagonally and whatever other way possible, that I would never, ever, ever move back here, where most of those hellish years were spent. Any time I HAD to drive into this part of town, I would look around in disgust and mention how much I hated it. And yet, TA DA!!! Here we are!

I know so many individuals who insist one of two things. 1) You can’t go home again OR 2) Why the eff would you want to! In fact, I know many individuals who would avoid moving into the neighborhood or town/city they grew up in at all costs! And I simply don’t get it. I have to be honest. I’ve learned SOOOO much about myself by having gone back to where I came from. The frustrating thing is, I don’t know how to explain it. But I can say this, doing so really taught me that a place really is what you make it. I use to argue against that ALL the time.

Now, I’m not saying that any place in the world can be made a happy place in its entirety. That’s just silly. But the world seriously changes as you get older. YOU and the world seriously change as you get older. The things that I hated about this place 15 years ago, no longer exist. Because the truth is, what I really hated at that time, and still look back on ashamedly, is myself.

Hate is a strong word, I know. And I don’t really believe I ever truly “hated” myself. I’m simply using that term to describe how little I loved myself then. I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t value myself. And until I was ready to do so, I was never going to see what the world, and all that’s in it, truly has to offer….anywhere! But how did going home help?

Well, during those troubled and often horrendous times in my life, I would always place blame elsewhere. I remember truly believing, with every fiber of my being that geography played a HUGE part in my unhappiness. I kept telling myself things like “It’ll get better when I can get the hell outta here” or “If only I lived somewhere where people got me”. To be frank, the grass was always greener somewhere else. I’d convinced myself that I was suffocating wherever I was and had to get out. So I’d move, and things would be fine for a while. Sometimes that while would be months, sometimes it was years. But eventually, it would catch up with me (because it was me that needed changing and not the geography) and I’d be back to square one!

Now, I’m not saying that any individual that refuses to go home, or live back where they grew up, is in a bad place, refusing to face their past and/or has no self-awareness, self-love, self-worth or self-value. I’m only speaking from my own experience. I just can’t express how much I’ve valued the journey of leaving and coming back again, how much it has taught me. It’s taught me so much about things I want to impart on my own children, but I don’t know how. It’s just like how I’m trying to describe it to you, my reader, and I can’t. I guess it’s really something someone has to do and experience for themselves to understand. And even then, your experience will be different from mine. Especially if we were avoiding “home” for different reasons. Maybe if I try and explain a little more….

One of the reasons I never wanted to come back here was because I thought I hated the people. I believed that two types of people lived here. The snobs, unforgiving, judgmental people and the low life losers who had no goals, ambition. drive or joy in  life. Funny thing is, and it’s so obvious now I want to vomit, those type of people are everywhere! I found them in Orleans, Aylmer, Gloucester, South and I’m sure they’re in all other necks and neighborhoods too. The problem was ME! I was only willing to see them that way! I was only cavorting with those types, allowing them in my life. And once you’ve let someone in, it’s not easy to get them out without moving! You get where I’m going with this?

So I guess what’s super important is the people you surround yourself with. And for me, moving home means moving closer to people who make sense to me and who I make sense to. I now live two blocks from my in-laws and 4-5 blocks from my own father and step-mother and I couldn’t be happier about it. What saddens me is how many people, when they find that out, say “OMG! I could never live that close to my parents or in-laws!” That really and truly saddens me. I know I’m lucky in that most of those who are related to me are wonderful, kind, caring and loving people who love celebrating my feats and mourning my losses with me. I know I’m lucky in that they hold common sense and respect for themselves and others. But to ever think, and truly believe, that I HAVE to be far from them? I can’t imagine it! In fact, I do have family who are very far away, and those are one of the losses I mourn. Don’t get me wrong, I see them, but not often enough.

Ok, I think I’ve said my piece now and, I should start dinner. But before I go, let me just say… If you’re one of those who feels the need to be away from your past and/or your family, I beg of you to seriously examine the reason(s). One of them just might be you.

In peace and without judgment,

Beki

Just some thoughts on Stereotypes!

I listen to a podcast semi-regularly entitled “Stuff Mom Never Told You”. I enjoy the banter between the two lady speakers, and their topics are interesting. I just finished listening to one called How Jealousy Works. I won’t go into the details because if you want to know their thoughts on jealousy, you should listen to it yourself (it’s easy to find on iTunes). However, during their discussion on jealousy, they mentioned a few other stereotypes about women and so on, so it got me very interested…. low and behold, I googled “Top 10 Stereotypes About Women”.

SO MANY URL’s!!!!!  So, I did my reading and then for curiosity’s sake, I googled “Top 10 Stereotypes About Men”. Can you believe only 2 lists came up?

…. and then the rest were about countries, race, horror movies and insane stereotypes! Is it not just stereotypical that there are more lists about the stereotypes women face than men?

First things first, what is a stereotype? Well… a stereotype is a simplified and standardized conception or image invested with special meaning and held in common by members of a group. In my opinion, they suck!

So, rather than list all of the stereotypes I found (because THERE ARE SO MANY), I’m going to list the ones that really irk me the most. That’s right, I said irk!Here are the one’s about professional/successful women – they are:

1. Single and lonely – because a career driven women must sacrifice her personal life for her job

2. Masculine – in order to be powerful, one must be, lead and look like a man

3. Conniving – the only way a woman could get to the top is by conniving or engineering her way there

4. Token – the only way a woman can get to the top (other than conniving her way, of course) is by being a token of diversity for the company or organization

I use to work at a large hospital and had several female bosses and I don’t recall any of these stereotypes popping into my head at any time. I honestly just recall working for them and sizing them up on their choices and interaction with me.
One of my bosses wore pant suits all the time. Did I take that as a mark for masculinity? Nope. I took is professional dress and comfort. Who knows? Perhaps she didn’t like shaving and didn’t want to show off her hairy legs?

My favorite irk-inducing stereotypes of women in general are that they are:

1. Materialistic – I strongly disagree with that because I know many, men that love their toys. What is the difference?

2. Desperate – all women are desperate to get married. That is simply not true. Perhaps it was many years ago because that was the way society was structured, but that’s so passé. In fact, I’ve had many debates with women over the point and reason for getting married, and I’m on the “FOR” side!

3. Catty and Jealous – women battle over nicer things than other women, with other women, even their friends. Things like clothes, handbags, shoes, apartments, boyfriends, weddings, etc.). While I can’t say these women don’t exist, I don’t think I know any of them. But I do remember in high school, when one of my boyfriends cheated on me, all of the girls were asking me if I was going to beat up the girl he cheated on me with. The girl was even hiding from me because she was sure I would. Everyone thought it so strange when I approached my boyfriend in the yard, yelled at him, slapped him and broke up with him. I firmly believe that young girls believe in this stereotype too much, and it needs to be remedied.

4. Stupid – they can’t make a decision for themselves and can’t even think for themselves…. I’m not even going to respond to that.

5. Psychotic – the list didn’t elaborate much on this one, but I think I know what they mean. I had a friend once (as an adult) who I considered one of my best. We spoke on a daily basis, and would see each other every week. Something happened and they stopped returning my phone calls with no explanation. So, I left a message requesting they call me back when they can. They returned my call and said something terrible happened and they needed to get away, they needed time. Though I couldn’t understand, I acquiesced to their request and left them alone. After about a week, I saw an update on their facebook saying they were doing much better, so I messaged them saying I was glad things were looking up and I couldn’t wait to see them when they got back. A few days later I knew they were back in town, so I called and left a message letting them know I was still there for them and would love to see them soon. Nothing. We’d gone from talking everyday, to nothing, with no explanation. A day or so later, I’m on my facebook and I realize I’ve been deleted! I was shocked and so called them. Nothing. Not too shortly after however, I got a facebook message stating that I’m stalking them, I need to leave them alone, we were never that close anyway, I’m obsessed, yada yada. I couldn’t believe it! I was being labelled a psycho for caring! And in my opinion, I think this stereotype derives from one caring more than another in a relationship. I’m not saying there aren’t any psychos out there, hey, if she breaks into your home to clean for you and spray her perfume on your pillow, that’s not a good sign.

6. Broken – i.e. damsel in distress that needs saving. This is by far my least favorite. I think in reality, most girls and women are moving farther and farther away from this, but it’s still ever present in our movies, television, books and all types of media. It’s amazing how often I have to discuss the girl characters with my daughter after seeing movies and television shows. It’s time consuming, but oh so important.

On to the stereotypes about men. The one list that I could find had these top 10 listed:

1. Arrogant

2. Greedy

3. Womanizer

4. Compulsive and Risky

5. Overbearing

6. Selfish

7. Insensitive

8. Workaholic

9. Brutally Competitive

10. Lucky

Can I just start off by saying this, numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 8 and 10 are really not that bad. In fact, most of those a man can be revered for, right? Ok, so a man may not be revered for being arrogant or greedy, but if he’s successful and rich, most of society would say that being that way helped him get there so, it’s not that bad. As for a womanizer, women may not appreciate that, but his buddies and other men will, won’t they? And a compulsive and risky workaholic? Again, if he’s successful, will he really be put down for that? And finally, my favorite, lucky!? How is being lucky a stereotype, especially a bad one? And the way I see it, men are not just lucky, they’re privileged (specifically the white men) as we still have a predominantly patriarchal society, so….. lucky? Really?

I don’t want to say that women do face more stereotypes than men, because I don’t believe that. I think there are expectations of both sexes that have been passed down through history that fit into these little boxes that need to be eradicated.

The Woman box (sorry, no image available) consists of:

– being sugar and spice and everything nice, avoiding conflict at all costs

– dainty and artistic

– looks are the most important factor in life

– needing a man to complete her life

– clean, neat and organized all the time

– weak and in need of help for all things masculine

– emotional, incapable of being rational when emotions run high

And from these boxes, derive the stereotypes that women and men face. Truth be told, I think that if these “boxes” were addressed at a young age by parents, maybe even schools, it would make a lot of changes. I think a lot of barriers would break, and a lot of stereotypes would disappear.

This is just some of my thoughts though…..

If you’re interested in more information on the “Man Box” and other expectations on the sexes, I suggest you start with Tony Porter (http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html)